Metsorah

What is it that is so delicious about gossiping? Why, despite all of our good intentions, do we seem to end up talking bad about someone behind their back? And even when we feel guilty for doing so, we can’t seem to resist this temptation. Very few people have control over their inclination to speak with an evil tongue or lashon lara as it is called in the Torah.
So strong is the condemnation of gossip and slander in Jewish tradition that the founder of the chasidic movement, the great Baal Shem Tov, is said to have told his followers that the Kosher status of what comes out of one's mouth (i.e., one's words) is even more important than the Kosher status of what one puts into it.
 According to a news story on ABC News, researchers studied gossipers from American middle schools to villages in Newfoundland and discovered that people can spend up to two-thirds of their conversational time gossiping — and men love it just as much as women.
Of all of the mitzvoth, this one – to refrain from lashon horah – is for most of us, the most difficult. Gossip is seductive, mesmerizing, interesting and titillating. It entertains us, it amuses us and it has a way of making us feel superior. But, according to our sages, both listening to and spreading gossip is one of the worst offenses we can commit. In fact, some say that the sin of gossip is as severe as idolatry, adultery, and murder, the three worst sins in the judgment of the rabbis. Gossip, like murder, kills. The Talmud asks, "Why is gossip like a three-pronged tongue? Because it kills three people: The person who says it, the person who listens to it, and the person about whom it is said". Far from being a harmless pastime, gossip and slander are truly dangerous practices and while it takes an incredible amount of control to overcome our urge to engage in lashon hora, we absolutely must make the effort.
At our Parsha of the Week group this past Wednesday, Cantor Edwards told a story that illustrates exactly how dangerous and evil lashon hora is. A man in a certain community didn’t like the Rabbi and he spread a terrible and false rumour that the Rabbi was having an affair with a married congregant. Naturally this rumour spread like wildfire. The Rabbi’s reputation (as well as the reputation of the congregant) was totally destroyed. The man who spread the rumour started to feel very guilty for what he had done. He went to the Rabbi and apologized to him, admitting that it was he who had started the rumour. He asked the Rabbi how he could make it up to him. The Rabbi told him to take a pillow, cut it open and shake out all of the feathers out the window and then return to the Rabbi when he was done. The man did so. The Rabbi then said to him, now, I want you to go and gather up all of those feathers – every single one and bring them back to me. The man looked at the Rabbi in horror – But Rabbi, he said – how can I do that – the feathers have been scattered throughout by the wind. I will never be able to gather them up. And that is the point, said the Rabbi, of lashon hora. Like feathers spread by the wind, evil words cannot be taken back. Once said, lashon hora cannot be reclaimed.
 The Torah is full of malicious and unintentional lashon hara. Sarah speaks about Abraham's old age and laughs at the idea that her husband will father a child. (Genesis 18). Joseph brings false and evil reports about his brothers to his father Jacob. (Genesis 3). Miriam speaks against Moses for marrying a Cushite woman. (Numbers 12)

Every word that comes out of our mouth has the potential to hurt or destroy. Once I was waiting in line at a store when I noticed a young woman complaining loudly to a supervisor about the slow service of a particular clerk. In screaming for service, the woman had no intention of getting the clerk fired - she was simply frustrated and needed to vent. It was too late. The clerk lost his job and financial security. Perhaps the woman wanted to take her comments back, but she couldn't. Once you speak about someone to someone else, the damage has been done. Words - simple words - have the power to destroy businesses, reputations, and friendships.
A modern-day rabbi, Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kahan (the Chafetz Chaim) has written extensively on the laws of lashon hara. His compilation "Guard Your Tongue" is a collection of the thirty-one Torah commandments dealing with lashon hara. Some of his profound insights include: 

One may not make comments that cause pain, financial loss, or damage. 
One may not make derogatory comments, even if they are true. 
One may not defame the character of another. 
One may not say that another did wrong, has faulty traits, or lacks virtue. 
One may not say "so and so is my good friend or relative so I can say what I want." 
One must know if information is true before telling others. 
One may not exaggerate. 
One may not gossip and then say "just kidding."
So why do we do it? I did some research into the psychological aspects of lashon hara. Here are 6 general points I discovered about why people gossip.
1) They are angry. When people with bad tempers get excited, they often speak without thinking and say anything that comes to mind regardless of the consequences. 
2) They are Jokers. People who tell jokes may tend to make fun of other people. 
3) They are arrogant. There are those people who feel they are better than others. 
4) They give up. Many people don't bother avoiding lashon hara because it is so difficult. 
5) They are complainers. Some people complain about others.
6) They have bad friends. If your friends are doing it, there is a greater chance that you will partake.
Everyday, when we chant the silent Amidah, we add a prayer at the very end that says, “Oh Lord, Guard my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking guile.” All too often, the prayers that we say over and over become meaningless to us – they become more of a chant than a literal prayer. But I think we need this prayer in our lives. We need help to guard our tongues from evil. We need to invoke God’s help – we cannot do it alone. Like every problem we have, the first step is to acknowledge it – be aware of it. And the best way to be aware of it is to force ourselves to think of it.
So here’s a thought – why don’t we try to avoid lashon hora this afternoon. Just today – become aware of it, Stop yourself from gossiping, talking bad about someone, criticizing someone behind their back. Let’s try it from now until motze Shabbat tonight – and let’s see how we do. If you find yourself slipping back into the habit of gossiping or listening to gossip, say these words to yourself; “Oh Lord, Guard my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking guile”. Use prayer to help you. Stopping lashon hora cold turkey is difficult and might be self-defeating – but if we can refrain from it for a certain proscribed period of time, maybe we can increase the time incrementally until we are rid of this evil sin forever. So let’s try it for the remaining hours of Shabbat. Next Shabbat, let’s try it for the whole of Shabbat – from Friday night until motze Shabbat. And let us commit to increasing our lashon-hara-free hours more and more each week.
Remember that when God selected us to be his Chosen People, we took on the responsibility for being a holy people. Refraining from lashon-hora, brings holiness into our lives and helps us to perfect the world. We are God’s partners in creation. Let us do our share.